"Is This A Test?"

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"I tried to work it away

But that just made me even sadder.

I tried to keep myself busy,

I ran around in circles,

Think I made myself dizzy."

- Cranes in the Sky by Solange

I spent a lot of my childhood feeling like the odd one out.

My parents were both intellectuals as were my siblings. They also possessed artistic ability but all chose to lean more toward book smarts than art smarts, most especially with their career choices.

I did not want to be the one to break that mold, but I did not excel in high school by any standards. I ultimately developed strong feelings of failure. I resolved myself to use those feelings as fuel to push myself to do better academically in college. The problem then became what was I going to study.

I used to dream of being an anesthesiologist ($$$) but I promptly gave up on that dream when I realized it requires 12 years of school and training. I thought about becoming an English teacher after falling in love with the subject. When I realized I would actually have to teach students, I knew it was not for me. Then one day the summer before my senior year, I went to work with my mom, a Clinical Social Worker. By the end of the day, I said to myself, "I could see myself doing work like this.” So, I decided to study social work.

I think it was the right choice for me at that time. I did not pray about it or ask God what He thought. I had a fractured spiritual life and I knew nothing about salvation. I just thought that whenever I really needed something, I’d say a quick prayer and He would provide.

FYI that is not how it works.

Needless to say, by my senior year of undergrad, I was exhausted. I had spent four years sacrificing food, sleep, and sanity.

College for me became my redemption. I had excelled at the collegiate level. I was determined to do well to prove the voices in my head wrong. My identity and purpose became infused with my education. I know now that I had made my education an idol.

I knew then that I did not want to go to graduate school immediately after graduation. I didn't want to go back home to live with my parents. I did not want them to be disappointed.

My spirit was crying out for me to stop, but I was unable to conceptualize what I wanted or needed at the time. Since I didn't understand the nature of my exhaustion, I ended up applying anyway. I was admitted to an accelerated program and told myself, "it's only 11 months. How bad could it be?"

Well, it turns out it could be really bad.

Grad school served to be the hardest experience of my life so far. I was not well. I was deeply depressed. I was floundering. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up.

At the height of my distress, I started asking myself whether it would be worse to die from jumping off the roof of my apartment or break all the bones in my body. I figured either way at least I wouldn’t have to turn in my assignments. Either way, I would not need to complete what I felt was killing me.

For a time, I became the ocean. Not the surface where the light glistens, but the depths so deep down it's unclear what remains. The depths where lost things erode enough to become salt for the sea.

I finished the program despite this. I knew if I did not finish then, I never would.

Up until recently I thought the experience had been my first test from God. I understand now that none of that was a test. The entire experience was just a great example of the blind leading the blind. All of that was the result of me trying to lead myself.

I spent 20-something years of my life believing that my dreams were of no merit. I thought they were idle thoughts that had no place outside of my pillow. I thought I lacked the drive, determination, and courage necessary to have passions, let alone pursue them. I believed every single lie the enemy planted in my mind.

It was God’s grace that helped me uncover the truth. Part of my truth is acknowledging that a 9 to 5 is not where I am called. The Lord has called me somewhere else. After He raised my inner dreamer up from the dead, His grace helped me understand that my dreams were planted for my purpose.

Acknowledging my dreams was no small feat. I also acknowledged that my fear actively stopped me from pursuing my purpose and if I cannot overcome my fear, I would never walk in faith.

So, I decided to submit my fears to the Lord thinking He would just sort them out for me.

Not at all how it works.

This reminded me of something I held unto from Pastor Mike during a sermon. He said that we cannot solely confess to the Lord, we also need to confess to people.

When I heard that I immediately thought “yeah, I’ll get there one day.”

Well, God made sure to run that SAME message back the following Sunday. The second time I heard it, I started thinking “God, who exactly am I going to tell my truth to? Do you mean the truth, truth? Like the WHOLE truth?”

I decided again that I'd get to it “one day.”

The following Monday, I was listening to Body Of An Extravert (an AMAZING podcast by my dear friend Esther) and the Lord used two women to minister to me and prompt three revelations.

The first being that this blog is my truth. I was so worried about who to call and confess to that I forgot the reason why I felt so compelled to start blogging. I have always wanted to be candid and honest but life, society, and the enemy all told me not to. I wanted my truth to be safe, but faith isn’t faith if we're always safe. I do this because I need to be honest. If nowhere else in the world, I want to tell the truth here, in my own words.

I have to do this in order to get closer to Jesus. This is a fight for my soul.

My second revelation came during the podcast discussion on how to align your passion with your faith.

I had spent weeks ransacking my brain on that very issue. I asked God why my passions do not align with my work and whether my faith aligns with my passions. I begged the Lord to give me the wisdom to do and understand my purpose.

Previously, all of my passions were in the world. What takes precedence now and what I am most passionate about is the Kingdom. I am falling in love with Jesus, His Word, and His truth. He feeds my spirit everything it needs.

The Lord has set up shop in my soul for much-needed repair. This healing renews my passion for music and writing, reading, photography, and community. I am rediscovering my passions knowing that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

Thank you Jesus!

The final revelation was of my future. It's hazy but I trust the Lord to lead my path straight. I envision the future where I put hard work into my faith and my dreams with His word as the lamp to guide my feet and light my path (Psalm 119:105). I am not yet sure where I am going, but I know by His grace, it will be better than where I have been.

....

Sentiments from Psalm 119:

I used to wander off until you disciplined me; but now I closely follow your word. (Verse 67)

I pondered the direction of my life, and I turned to follow your laws. (Verse 59)

My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. (Verse 71)

I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I have set my heart on your laws. (Verse 30)

Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law. (Verse 109)

Remember your promise to me; it is my only hope. (Verse 49)

Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles. (Verse 50)

Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. (Verse 116)

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A Prayer For The Lost and Found:

I thank you, Lord, that you have given grace and wisdom to anyone who, like me, felt lost for so long. I thank you, Lord, as we submit our broken spirits to you as our offerings. I pray that you would create in us pure hearts and renew a steadfast spirit within us in the name of Jesus. I thank you, Father, that you are restoring in us all that we have lost in the name of Jesus. I thank you, Lord, that You have removed burdens from us that were not intentionally given to us in the name of Jesus. I thank you Father that you are working in us for the good. I thank you, Lord, that you are renewing our minds and supernaturally transforming our circumstances in the name of Jesus. I thank you, Father, that Your divine grace leads us in all areas of our lives so that we may use the gifts You gave us as intended. I thank you, Lord, for the continued strength and wisdom and peace You give us in our personal faith journeys. Lord, we lay our wills down so that only your will be done in the mighty name of Jesus we pray.

Amen, Amen, Amen.