Why Compare When You Can't Compete?

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I had a dream,

I got everything I wanted.

Not what you'd think

And if I'm being honest,

It might have been a nightmare.

- everything i wanted, Billie Eilish

I decided to delete my personal social media accounts last November, after a long internal battle about whether or not I needed to be “plugged in.”At first, I only deactivated, inspired by a good friend of mine, who deactivated her instagram leading up to her birthday. A few days into deactivation, I felt a huge weight had been lifted off of me. A month later I made the decision to completely delete my instagram, twitter, and snapchat.

If I am being really honest, the decision to delete my accounts was long overdue. I continuously put it off because I did not want to feel disconnected from “the world” and my “friends.” In an effort to avoid the loss, I tried to radically change my content. I wanted to create a more positive platform. I wanted to make my instagram a place of healing I so desperately needed.

A couple of weeks into my radical change - my sister asked me “why are you posting all this?”

This was a valid question. When I first created an instagram, I only posted pictures of myself when I looked really good (just like everyone else on the planet). The problem was that the reception was never what I wanted it to be. I also felt extremely inauthentic. Sure, I looked great from the outside looking in, but on the inside, I felt like a complete imposter.

I am constantly struggling to determine which version of myself I need to be at any given time. The biggest challenge? I can't seem to shake the ugly demon that is comparison. I spent hours on instagram, twitter, and youtube comparing myself to people whose bodies, lifestyles, and bank accounts all seemed so different, and so much more desirable than mine. Sometimes I would envy them, most times I just pitied myself.

Not to mention the pain of likes and views. Like most creatives, I turn simple things into an art project and I am sensitive about my shit. As much as I wanted to be seen, I hated to be judged. And yet, I judged myself by how few likes and comments I received. I equated the numbers to my talent, despite the fact that I was up against algorithms and the court of public opinion.

I compared myself to people who (seemingly) put in half the effort but accumulated more than double the likes. I would say to myself, “well maybe if I looked like this,” or “maybe if I had that.”

I knew my relationship with social media was toxic. I could spend an entire day endlessly scrolling. What I wanted, what I needed, was validation.

I just wanted something to prove I was enough. I was discontent with myself and my solitude.

The mindless scrolling fed the discontentment and the need to compare and contrast. I am self-critical and my internal critiques are often excruciating.

I mean compared to everyone else on the internet, what was I really even doing?

Eight months post deletion, it only now dawned on me that my problem ran deeper than any online platform. My problem is internal. That desperate need I experienced: it was spiritual yearning. The validation I needed was from the Lord. All I needed was to believe in Jesus and the justification, the reason, everything I had sought would follow.

I watched a sermon last week that pastor Craig Groeschel aptly titled Run Your Race. So many gems were dropped. Here are a few major ones:

“You can’t faithfully follow Jesus if you’re always comparing yourself to John.”

“We are trying to fill spiritual need with some kind of external validation that doesn’t have the power to fulfill [it].”

“[Ask yourself] who or what is going to define my worth? Who or what is going to validate you?

If your answer is anything but Jesus: you will always be running a race feeling like you are left behind, left out, and don’t live up to what you always hoped to become.”

These words hit me in the gut. He was preaching to me. After this Godly food for thought, I was left with two pressing questions:

Why do I make such harsh comparisons and why am I so discontent?

By comparing, I deprived myself of joy and self-love. I couldn’t be fully confident because I didn’t believe I was enough.

I once confused this with humility. Being humble is one thing, but I was actively denying the glory of God in myself. The constant internal battle caused an unease that delayed my gratitude and destroyed any chance for contentment.

I fervently looked for an outlet to fill the space inside me that yearned for contentment.

I turned over every pot and used every tool I had, still coming up empty, and then quarantine began.

The uncertainty of everything pushed me toward God in a way that was so necessary. I sought the Lord because I needed Him. I did not know that in doing so, the contentment I so desperately desired would be added onto me.

I’ve developed this strange sense of calm in the past few months. The new reality baffles me. I always considered myself a professional worrier.

I have always had a tendency to worry about everything, no matter how insignificant. I never really relax because I am always thinking about what still needs to be finished, what else could be done, and all the ways in which I am deficient.

This calm is proof that God is working in me. Honestly, if not for COVID, I would have never been pushed to strengthen my relationship with God. I would have never fully given my life to Christ.

And I would never know peace, joy, or contentment.

Sometime toward the end of last year, I read Matthew 16:24-26: Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. After, I told Jesus “I am ready to take up my cross. I am ready to lose my life to follow you.”

I thought by deleting my social media, I was losing my life. I thought that was my best shot at taking up my cross and crucifying my flesh.

The spirit of COVID-19 had the last laugh on that one. This pandemic has redefined loss.

Like everyone else, I had no choice but to finally submit to the unavoidable. I realized now that this was the life I was meant to lose in order to follow Jesus.

I needed to give up places. I needed to give up friendships. I needed to give up relationships. I needed to give up worldly things that kept me stagnant and comfortable. I would have never dreamed to try and embrace the uncomfortable. I had to lose my life to gain it.

It's become difficult to compare myself to others because my blessings are startlingly apparent. In the middle of the devastating realities of a global pandemic and endemic racism and police brutality in this country - I am alive, I am employed and I am mostly sane.

These three things are individually miraculous, but together? These realities give me unfounded joy.

I’m also actively trying to surrender to God’s will. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know exactly what is in store for me. I am content because I know that His plan for me is greater than anything I could ever come up with.

I am running my race. My purpose is uniquely mine and was prepared in advance for me. I am focused on what God thinks of me because I can’t please everyone, not even myself. But I can please Him.

My race isn’t to be an instagram baddie or a twitter philosopher - and that’s fine with me. My race is to be truthful and authentic, to accurately reflect His word in my life, and use my testimony to give Him glory.

I plan to run my race with my eyes gazing above me. I am so happy I made room for Jesus in my life. I would encourage any and everyone to do the same.

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Quick Tips For Making Room for God In Your Life:

• Make a list of all the things you are worried about in life. Commit to giving them over to God. Pray for the next 30 days for God to take control over every area of your life. Before you make a move, pray to God and say “if it is your will Lord, let it be done!”

• Pray every morning. Thank God for the day that He made. Rejoice and be glad in it!

• Listen to at least 2 worship songs a day. Actively listen. Sing. Clap. Dance. Close your eyes and let the spirit speak to you and through you.

• Attend virtual church service! It makes all the difference as you set intentions for each week.

• Commit to calling on God every single time you experience a strong emotion. Whether anger, envy, or sadness. Take it to God. Talk to him, he can handle it. Talk it out with God and ask him to forgive you. Ask him to help you to be less quick to anger, to be sad, etc. If you are ready to be really bold, thank Him for removing the spirit of these emotions from you in the name of Jesus.

• Start a new YouTube playlist called “Great Sermons” and add your favorite sermons into the playlist. If you are very bold, Commit to adding one sermon per week! Add Run your Race to start.

• Start a journal. Commit to being truthful. Write each entry to God. Tell him everything from start to finish. Date each entry. You don’t have to be formal, just be honest.