My Season Changed.

A Goliath of mine is my lack of consistency. I am flighty as hell! I come up with these grand plans and big ideas but find it really difficult to follow through with them. I struggle with procrastination, lack of motivation, and laziness. I have a tendency to do things consistently a few times and then tap out. Anything I have completed in my life that required consistent attention is literally miraculous.

This character flaw isn’t just specific to behaviors, it also applies to people. I have never been the best at making and maintaining friendships. The friends that I do have are very special people. I hold them dearly and I’m grateful to God for putting each of them in my life and keeping them there.

I am self-aware enough to realize that my lack of consistency is a problem. I’m praying and working on it.

Why is this particular Goliath relevant? Because I found myself struggling with this blog. It’s been weeks since my last post and I have felt very disconnected from it.

Weirdly, a few weeks back I started to feel unsure of what I have been doing and writing. I felt like I started on a “heavenly high horse,” and I wasn’t sure if I pinned myself down just to talk about God and nothing else!

I spent weeks grappling with being what I consider a “traditional” Christian and being myself - a Christian whose relationship with Christ is growing every day, but I still curse, I’m still working past the pettiness, and I’m still fighting myself internally about what is and isn’t in line with God. I love reality TV, I love reading and podcasts and so many things. But I keep thinking that loving and participating in all of these things means I can’t really be faithful to God.

Don’t I have to love Him with my whole heart? How can I do that when part of my heart also loves candy, and wine, and food? Does He really take my prayers seriously when I turn around and start dropping f-bombs with the same lips?

I’ve been stressed y’all. Stressing myself out for weeks because I couldn’t see how God can love my messy ass.

One thing about me though? I don’t doubt divine timing. I joined the Transformation Church online service last Sunday, and was shook per usual!

Some background:

A new sermon series is underway at Transformation called Forgiveness University.

When it started, it was not hitting for me.

I heard the series title 2 weeks ago and was like:

“Forgiveness?… God, you and I have been through that already. I have forgiven. I can forgive… what else is there on this topic… lol.”

I tuned in anyway, and for next couple of weeks, people in my life and people who are no longer in it would pop into my head randomly. I try to pray for everyone that crosses my mind, so I’ve been praying for a lot of folks! When it came to one person, in particular, praying got real difficult. It clicked in my mind that I was holding onto something and I needed to let it go. I thought because I forgot about it, (or more realistically, because I no longer constantly thought about what happened), I forgave.

Well, God made sure to let me know that that was a lie. As a matter of fact, God let me know a lot of the things I have been thinking in this head of mine are not true.

I thought because I accepted things in my past and learned lessons from them that I forgave myself and everyone in it.

The sermon was a sucker punch to the gut. I had to come to terms with the fact that I did not believe that God forgave me for my sins. I never accepted the forgiveness that comes with salvation and I was never able to really forgive myself. And if I couldn't forgive myself, how could I ever learn to forgive someone else?

Pastor Mike gave a life-altering word when he said:

“It isn’t sin that sends people to hell. It’s disbelief.”

Essentially, my disbelief of being forgiven would be what sends me to hell, not what I do or have done. Mind-blowing.

God forgave us. He forgave me. So I’ve been sitting in my room stressing myself out thinking there is no way God can tolerate my messy ass, not realizing that He already forgave me for everything!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I am not taking this as license to do all the bad things in the world. It just helped me get rid of some of the guilt and stress I’ve been holding onto for so long.

It also helped me connect the dots to the message God has been trying to send me all year!

While listening to Jhene Aiko’s Tiny Desk - on repeat for over a week now - it all started to make sense.

She interwove Everything Must Go in her performance, singing:

Everything must go.

Like everything you know, forget about it.

Everything must go, like everything you think you know.

Something clicked. I need to unlearn some things. I need to let go of certain beliefs, habits, and actions that are outdated in my journey. These things are holding me back from truly understanding myself and being able to get closer to God.

The theme of my season is “everything must go.”

My sense of normalcy. My comfort. My insecurities. The fears that consume me.

The belief that I have to earn His grace! His grace is a gift!

The belief that I will never be forgiven for my mistakes.

Everything must go.

These things are of no use to me where I am headed.

It's a timely message, as my 25th birthday lurks around the corner. I didn’t think I’d make it past 21, so this birthday is tripping me up. One thing I know for sure is that I had to get through the crazier parts of life, (aka the last few years), to understand the intense desire I have for peace.

I’m settling into a tentative rhythm. I’ve reconciled the past. I’m learning to be grateful in the present, and looking forward, open and optimistically, to the future.

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