"What Are You, A Coward?"

I aimlessly searched for “freedom” by moving out of my parents' house to live with my sister in Philly, then moving out to live in DC. I partied, I made questionable friends, and I dated questionable people. I worked hard to shed any resemblance to the me that I deemed “trapped” in my youth.

And yet, when I would sit alone with myself, I felt enslaved to the idea that I had to be something other than myself to achieve worldly “freedom.”

At my lowest point, I felt totally unrecognizable. I didn’t like the people I was around. I didn’t like the places I had been. I felt uncomfortable everywhere I was. I wanted to hide. So I isolated myself for a time, which is regular for me. However, at that time, being alone just made the deficiencies I developed glaringly apparent.

Without knowing whether my goal was to fix or distract myself from my issues, I decided to date.

Society pushed these ideas on me. American movies in the 90s and 2000s all featured protagonists with issues who fall in love and all of a sudden, love heals every wound they ever had. I also grew up in a Nigerian household. In our culture, children are basically bred to be married from birth (rest assured this is not actually true, but that is how it feels to me.)

So of course the natural thing was for me to take my empty cup and start searching ceaselessly for people with cups overflowing to pour into me right?

Wrong.

Even friendship is sensationalized in television and movies. They make you think that the same person with questionable motives and mannerisms is redeemable and can turn out to be one of your best friends. Not to say that can’t be true in real life, but the likelihood is pretty slim.

Ultimately, what I found were people who were even more destitute and in need than me. It goes without saying but I had some awful experiences.

I always felt like I had no time. School, internship, grad school, full-time job. Running around and round all the time. My only means of recreation were my friendships, situationships, and relationships.

I traded hobbies and passions for those things. It got to a point where I started asking myself, “what do I even like to do outside of this? What do I consider fun outside of this? Why do I feel like this is the only thing that can entertain me?”

Let me tell you some things I gained:

• A jaded perception of men; dealing with the wrong men had me thinking that all cis-gender, heterosexual men are trash.

• A jaded perception of myself. I affirmatively decided there must be something deeply wrong with me, not because I attracted the people I was attracting, but because I actually considered dating them. Birds of a feather must indeed flock together.

• Extreme feelings of inadequacy; I took on a lot of emotions from people that I might not have felt otherwise. I developed insecurities on top of my insecurity.

It occurred to me that I was giving too much energy to people and things I could not control, and putting very little energy into improving my self.

I had already entered into a much needed period of singleness. However, when I decided to give my all to Jesus, I started thinking of this period more deeply.

What I’ve come to strive for is allowing God to fill my cup and allowing Him to heal my spirit and help me pour into others as intended by Him. I also have to take care of myself and my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health.

And somewhere along the journey, maybe God will position me to find a life companion.

That isn’t the goal though. The end goal is to be a fully developed person as God intended and walk in my purpose. Some days my walk feels lonelier than others, but I am letting Jesus soothe that ache.

I'll break this down, as I can imagine that this idea is not greatly helpful for those who don’t understand what that means.

In the beginning, God did a lot of things (see Genesis). After making Adam, He gave him a purpose, and then He made Eve for Adam. The purpose came before the partner. I can’t take credit for this revelation — Relationship Goals taught me this. But it is 100% factual.

I want to get to a point where God + His purpose + me equals completion, bringing me as an individual to 100%. And any man I end up with needs to have this same energy.

People tell me “well you can’t be too picky” or “well you can’t be sure that will happen” or “LOL sounds good but that is not real life.”

Let me tell you what my real life is. Real-life is putting myself in the position to trust God and knowing wholeheartedly that He will do right by me.

By doing right, I mean trusting God-ordained people/places/things, making God-informed decisions to befriend or be with someone, making a God-informed and lead decision to enter the covenant of marriage, and praying to God every single day before, during and after that, no matter how good, bad, or ugly things may get.

*Disclaimer* I am not married but this is my belief (and I am going to keep believing it).

Here are 3 universal guidelines for determining who and what is God-ordained:

1. God isn’t subtle, if He sends you something or someone, He wants you to know it and He wants you to acknowledge it and give thanks for it. If you didn’t hear it from Him, it is not from Him.

2. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 — if it isn’t that, it isn’t love.

3. If the relationship is pushing the clearly outlined boundaries of the Kingdom of Heaven, it is not for you.

I rebuke the spirit of the evil that causes any of us to think that we cannot let go of people who do not belong in our lives.

Even if we’re not ready to be alone.

Even if it means we wasted time.

Even if it will hurt us.

Don’t let the enemy use people to distract you from your greater purpose.

We spend so much time in conflict, we lose sight of peace.

We spend so much time suffering, we forget to persevere.

We give so much of ourselves, we forget that we are not our own to give.

We dwell so much in bondage, we forget that Jesus died to save us.

Rest assured, God will deliver us. But how many things will He have to deliver us from? What have you sacrificed that you may not get back?

Why is the idea of letting go scarier than missing Heaven?

When I first heard Daniel Caesar's Loose, I felt like the song was written for me. I felt like I was the girl that needed to be “cut loose” or more aptly, the girl that can’t be pinned down easily because she needs to be free.

The song represents something much bigger in my heart now. Now I know that where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). If the spirit of the Lord is not in people/places/things that I am in, then set me free, and let me be. Love is freedom because God is love. God is our strength. We don’t need to be afraid to be "loose," because He is with us.

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Challenge Yourself:

I am challenging anyone reading this to make a list of all the things that can be done to align our lives with God’s will. If you are in a relationship or dating, have your partner make a list as well. Take your list(s) and honestly ask yourself how much progress are you making on this list as an individual, and if applicable, as a couple?

Pray on it and ask God to help you determine what you need to shed in order to be more focused on Him, on your divine purpose, and on the goals necessary to God’s plan for your life. Once He answers… start shedding. He’s got us and we got this.

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