Quarantine In 4 Words: If Not For God...

Pre-COVID images (© 2020 All Rights Reserved to Omoka Photos)

When things first started shutting down, I left my 2 bedroom apartment to shelter in place with my sister. I packed at least a month worth of clothes. I packed food for my dog and his other essentials. Then bam! I immediately was on my way. At the time, I jokingly kept singing “it's the end of the world as we know it.” (I didn’t truly believe that then, so imagine how I feel looking back now.) I did not expect I would be camped out at my sister's house for this long (4 months and counting)! The power of the tongue!

I found myself experiencing a multitude of feelings…..

• Guilt: I left my roommate (my cousin) alone to his own devices for so long.

• Longing: I miss having my own space and autonomy.

• Anxious: I wish I could redecorate my room and my apartment and do all the cute fun projects I have seen my family and friends do.

• Grief: I am mourning the life I once knew.

• Distracted: It feels almost impossible to get work done right now. My mind feels scattered.

• Impatient: I have experienced a lot of pitfalls and breakthroughs in the last few years. At the end of 2019, and at the beginning of 2020, I had come to terms with what I (thought I) needed to do to move forward. And then COVID happened.

• Grateful: COVID has given me and so many of us a hard reset. It made me realize that none of the illustrious plans I made for 2020 (and the rest of my life after that) included God. God and I had a whole falling out. Yet these pandemic times have me praying in crazy ways. The fear of the unknown brought me to my knees because I realized I cannot do anything without Him. For the first time in so long, I feel God with me.

• Sad: I had not realized how I have missed God. I missed His voice and presence. I had tuned Him out to the point where I truly believed He would not want to speak to me anymore. Rationally, I know that is not true, and I also know that He has been talking to me in so many other ways -- but, I miss hearing His voice. That whisper is my comfort and reassurance to know He has forgiven me for how lost I was and how far I ran.

I am a work in progress as you can see.

My current prayers are for peace of mind and wisdom. I’m praying for the grace to never lean on what I understand. I’m praying that my faith will become so firm and rooted that no-one on this earth would be able to move it. I am praying that the Lord will fill every crevice of my heart. I am praying that, by the Grace of God, my faith will overcome my fear and feelings of abandonment. I am praying that my faith will renew my spirit, ease my longing, and become my blanket to cover me all day and night. I pray that the Lord will restore my ability to dream.

The bible says that His grace is sufficient for you for His strength is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). This pandemic, among many other things, has shown me just how weak I am. I am asking God to realign my vision and my mind. Right now, I see tatters making up my life -- I pray that He will restore in me the picture of the fate He intended.

Getting out of a constant cycle of self discouragement is a process, but I am praying against my inaccurate thoughts, wickedness on my tongue, and deceit living in my heart. I’m trying to soak Him in and immerse myself so deeply in His word and love that I can barely hear or feel or see anything else. I cannot do anything without Him. I have tried it my way and have suffered for it time and time again. I cannot do His job.

I’m also learning that I’m a reflection of Him. I watched a sermon (one of the sermons in the Crazy Faith series) and Pastor Mike said so aptly, “you might be the only Bible someone will ever read.” At that very moment, it hit me. If I am the Bible people are reading, I want them to experience the Glory and the Grace and the Wisdom and the Comfort that the Lord has given to me, and extends to anyone who seeks it. Then I took stock of myself. I realized that is not what people receive when they read the bible that has been me.

So, I set out on a journey to surrender my life to God’s plan. I am setting out to become an accurate version of the bible to all those who read me. Loving myself as God loves me and loving others as I love myself. More simply, to become best friends with Jesus. Running to Jesus first in all situations. Seeking the Kingdom first. I want to be fulfilled in a supernatural way. My spirit has longed to be filled for years. I tried to fill it with bad friends, poor choices, bad relationships, fights, anger, sadness, by running away, obstinance. I thank the Lord that the spirit moved me one day to pray. From that very day, I understood what I needed all along was Jesus. I am yearning for my God in Heaven and He, even after all this time, still waits with His arms wide open for me.

Thank you Jesus!

At the risk of sounding redundant, this quarantine has really been something. It has been emotional and full of ups and downs. I am working on extending myself grace to feel how I feel, and not let others overpower/extinguish my emotions. I am working to be firm with my needs and dreams and to not be moved if people do not respond well to them. COVID scared me into admitting that my earthly days are numbered. I would be so disappointed to die without really having lived to the fullest capacity. When I stand before Jesus on judgment day, I want to be fully confident that I did my best with what God gave me during my time on this earth.

As I have lived, I squandered God’s blessings, I doubted His love, I ignored His will. I let my fears trap me in a vice-like grip. Now, I am making a conscious choice to choose the Lord every single day. Building my faith is taking massive amounts of work and that is ok. The Bible confirms that faith by itself, without works is dead (James 2:17). My faith is fueling my work and my work is feeding my faith.

I am rebuilding my understanding of life and self with God as my lens, my guide, and frame of reference. I started this blog not knowing what to do with it. I felt that I wanted to share pieces of my thoughts, much like I share my photography. I wanted to express life’s beauty and pain as I see it. I felt discouraged both times. I let words from others, or the voice in my head tell me to hang it up. However, I prayed and prayed and prayed and one day, I took a look at my website (which was deactivated at the time) and felt a wave of inspiration and understanding. I knew that God intended for me to DO something! He did not call me to be silent. If this is going to be the only bible someone may read, I want it to be honest. If this is going to be the only bible someone will ever read - I want there to be words on the page. You can’t read a book that is unwritten.

I am not 100% sure on what exactly He has called me to do or how, but I know that sitting silently in my room isolated and alone is not it. So I’m walking in faith on a journey of discovery. I thank God for grace.